How Sweetcorn Took Over the World


She was more than annoyed… she was exasperated. It was taking over the world. It was a complete and utter menace.

It was sweetcorn.

Sweetcorn was an absolute disgrace! For starters it’s just a knock-off pea, and that is just unoriginal. I mean, it just thinks it can change its colour and make itself a little pointier and get away with being a whole other veggie. I THINK NOT!

And its colour… YELLOW?

Yellow was the colour of butter and lemon flavoured sweets and the sun and overall HAPPY THINGS… and then also sweetcorn. And yellow isn’t even a vegetable colour (apart from peppers, but they have seeds… so aren’t they a fruit? And fruits express themselves with rainbow colours and very tasty insides, so they can be colourful!). Other vegetables don’t have the nerve to be yellow. The best they do is orange or even a yellowy-orange (if they are feeling brave) but not lemon yellow? However, as for sweetcorn, its name is a lie.

If you had never heard of sweetcorn and someone gave you a bowl of it, you would eat it thinking it was some kind of candy and then get hit with some awful toxic taste of pure disgustingness that doesn’t taste remotely sweet. No, not in the slightest.

It is all lies. Lies lies lies.

Also, the word corn gets you very confused, as you may associate corn with the movies (popcorn), or with Halloween in America (candy corn), or even a gross lump of hard skin on your foot. Then you have this weird vegetable that is very unoriginal and a disgrace. Also, what’s the difference between sweetcorn and corn on the cob? She swore it was the same. So sweetcorn can just go around saying it’s a completely different item!

She was fed up with all of this and she needed to take action. The problem was that sweetcorn was EVERYWHERE! It came fresh, it came frozen and IT EVEN CAME IN A CAN! The world was literally getting take over by sweetcorn. It was like it was the new gadget that everyone wanted – the latest trend. She needed to get this stopped and end it forever (or at least for a couple of months). Trends usually blow over eventually but this one had been going on for ages and it didn’t look like it was going to die down any time soon. So what should she do?

So she was mad at sweetcorn and so what produced it? SWEETCORN COMPANIES! So how could she show her madness and anger to them? A letter of complaint? Yes! A letter of complaint. That is what she would do.

After a dinner of anything but sweetcorn, she grabbed her computer and started typing. She came up with a very formal letter with very formal words (thanks to Google) and sent it to her printer. She grabbed an envelope from her desk and shoved the letter into the envelope with brutal force. She hated this letter, of course, because it contained the word ‘sweetcorn’ far too many times to be acceptable which, in her case, was once and that was only if she was feeling generous!

She waited a week and she had no reply. She knew it would take a while for them to reply so you waited a little longer.

A month passed – still nothing.

Five more months passed and STILL nothing. This was taking forever and sweetcorn looked as if it was getting bigger, and spreading wider and more people had it. Wherever she looked, she saw sweetcorn.

It was all over the menu in every restaurant, it was advertised on billboards all around towns and there were TV adverts on every channel! She even saw people walking down the street eating sweetcorn! In every shop, all you could see was sweetcorn on every isle. At school, all they fed you was sweetcorn. You couldn’t buy any other food in the whole world other than sweetcorn. She was drowning in sweetcorn.

The world was practically sweetcorn.

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